My Last Post

Hello again. I have been gone for a matter of months now and I feel like it would be rude to leave without a proper goodbye. I should start by telling you a few things. Leighn and I have mutually decided to go our seperate ways. I want you to know that I love her and she loves me. We will never lose the bond of friendship we have. Sometimes life hands you things that are completely and utterly spontaneous. I have learned in the course of these past months that as humans, trying to plan our lives breath by breath, is just as horrid as trying to escape the inevitable. Whoever pulls the strings in this grand operation has every intention of forcing you to see just what you are truly made up of. The two of us are adjusting to "rolling with the punches" on our own.

I am moving to Auburn in July of 2011. I got accepted into college and I plan on getting the best education possible. I don't want to post a bunch of bullshit. If you have read any of this..you know me better. I am not okay. I am scared to death. Every single trip to Auburn my heart stays lodged inside my throat. I am going to live alone. I know exactly one person in the entire city and to top it off..I won't have Leighn. I do however know, that I will make it. All the decisions I have made in the past have made this opportunity rise afront me. I am ready.

Sir Francis Alexander Augustan is doing quite dandy. He has a 300 dollar Christmas present waiting for him as we speak. I have decided to buy a whole mess of fishy friends for him. He will be happy. I feel it in my bones. I still love Alex the same. I always will. I turn eighteen in 13 days!!! Mom is paying for my tattoo. I am getting a quote that is very significant to my mind. I will leave you with it. I hope you take these words and live by them. They are the answer to all mortal life and blah blah blah..

"Things change. And Life, goes on."
"Asiat muutuvatt ,ja elama jatkut."

Love the life you've been given guys.
Keep peaceful and let your soul shine..

Yours Truly,
Ashleigh Desiree'

.....uh..well?

Woke up. Played pirates with tupperware. Hid in the toolbox. Went to sleep.
Woke back up. Went to work. Skated all night in an empty lot. Found a penny.
Came home. Played Zelda. Talked to Alex. Going to sleep with Mountain Dew.

Best.

Day.

EVER.

I'm just gonna go to college.

It's not that big of a deal. I mean shit. I can go and take my basics at SUCC and then go get all my other stuff from AU. I don't have to be with Leighn. I love her and all but, she isn't going to college and I can't let her hold me back from an education. Ugh. Gonna talk to the director tomorrow. Eew.

Night everyone :)

Honestly?

No but seriously. What if I wanted to move to LA? What if I just wake up and decide to move there. All alone with no sense of where I'm going? Why can't I be spontaneous? If I wanna get in a plane and go to fucking New York right now? I'll go dammit. I'll go.

Found.

Hello there again. Sorry about the short absence. I honestly needed to learn how to breathe. I have a tendacy to let my emotions accumulate to massive amounts. Eventually I have such a colossal weight on my shoulders that I just break down. This is one of the many things I will be working on. I wish I could learn to just let things go and be a social zombie. However,I am human and trying to be perfect would only result in a more complicated situation than my current one. I am still confused. I just realize now that there will be things I won't understand until I am older. I also understand that trying to avoid these things is just avoiding the inevitable.
I have spent the past few weeks with Leighn. She and I are both scared. We have talked everything through. We have discussed every single priority. I know that this is scary, but everyone has to start somewhere. I realize that this year is just the start of the rest of my life. I have been so blessed to have such an amazing mother and grandmother. They are always there for me and I know that no matter how far away I am that I can always rely on their love and support. I am ready for this world. I am ready to try. Ready to mess up. I'm ready to live.

As for the smaller details.Sir Francis Alexander Augustan III is doing quite well. I am getting a brand new fishtank in December. I am also getting two Black Moors. Alex swam with them while he was at the fish doctor. I asked the lady about them and she said they were up for adoption. For 5 dollars each I adopted them and am waiting until next Thursday to go pick them up. I am naming one Matthew Knight Star the Fifth and the other one Puck :)

No Subject

This may be the last time I write for a good while. Everything in my life is spiraling out of control and I am losing my sanity with each passing day. I don't know who I am or even what I am doing. I'm a stranger to who I was and I am scared of what I will become. Until I figure myself out,I think it is best that I keep to myself. I'm sorry. Really there is only one person who reads this and I want him to know that I honestly respect you. I learn by reading about you. Please don't think that you haven't helped change me because you have.

I just need some time. I need space to breathe and settle into my skin. I need to find out who I am. Where I am. What I'm doing here. Who I need. What I need. I just need time.

I'll be back soon. May the fates be in your favor Zombie.

Last night in my old room :)

Yessir! We officially move into the new house tomorrow! I am so excited. However,I haven't done my math homework all week nor my art project nor my english presentation. And here I am..blogging.
I saw Alex today. He is upset with me. He wants to be home again. They treat him like a fish. I treated him like a God. My own personal Jesus. I guess. If Jesus was a God. Was he? I have no clue..
I am about to go braid my hair and do homework.
Talk to you after the move!!
<33 Ashleigh Desiree'

Uskoa du uunta.

Alex is being carefully watched by a close friend. Everything is packed and I don't think he handles the stress well. I'm missing him. Very tired and need teep..

Gooodnight.

Attack of the PandaBearHair!!

I bleached some of my hair.
Yeah..only some of it. Sounds weird but it actually makes me look mature.
Okay..not really.

Today I did nothing. Went to work again. I really have to figure out why "MisterBenFoldsKinda" keeps buying three cheeseburgers. I mean it's really irking me out. I MUST KNOWW!!I also downloaded (legally of course) a shit-ton of Lady Gaga. She's..what's the word..the bomb? If bombs wore high heels and glitter triangle suits..and rode on unicorns in a yellow ocean. Okay yeah. Enough about that. I boxed up every single thing in my room!! Finally!! Alex is pretty pissed about me taking down his Silver Surfer poster. He's been pouting all day. I tried to give him a treat and he just went down by his little octopus and gave me the evil eye. Gah..I love that fishy. I bought a three-headed dragon incense burner today!! It looks like the dragons are breathing out smoke and it's pretty much the bomb. If bombs were three-headed smoke blowing dragons on a nightstand in a weird teenagers room.

Well boys. It's 12:26am and I have a psychology test tomorrow. Sleep is required. Hopefully I get a lot of grown-up things accomplished tomorrow afternoon. Toodaloo :D

Alex My Boobie.

Today was just stupid.

Honestly all I did was pack up shit. I went to work and had a bunch of really weird customers. No surprise. I really should just start an entirely new blog about working at Sonic. God. They could seriously make a movie about some of the people that come up there. One guy cussed me out and a big black guy threatened to kick his ass for being rude to me and the other guy drove off. Some weirdo asked me to drive him home because he was "mentally stranded on an island of hopelessness." Dot dot dot. A lady asked me if I had seen the video about cooking cats in microwaves and then proceeded to tell me about how she gets a sick enjoyment out of it. Other than those four I just had the regulars. My guy with an overbite who buys ice and his crazy/sweet wifey gave me a pink scarf with unicorns on it. "Misterbenfoldskindof.." came and bought three hamburgers which is weird because he is single and has no children. Could've changed poker night though. I've been quite puzzled by this mystery. CatLady came and gave me an enormous yellow coffee mug. I honestly love her. She's a total alcoholic and has like 7 cats but she is beautiful and super intelligent. She told me about a book I plan on buying tomorrow.

Ahhh. Anyways. Going to bed now. Have to get up and get going. After school I am going to work to pick up some boxes. Then gonna buy my book and a coffee. Then pack and do homework. Sounds so fun. NIGHT YA'LLL!!!

I will always love you.

The past weekend I spent with Leighn has made me decide a lot about my views on love. Leighn had a boyfriend named Sanders. I totally love Sanders. He is one of my best friends. I honestly cannot lose him. Leighn and Sanders are (as of last week) taking a break. I went to stay with Leighn but she ditched out on me for some asshole and I ended up at her house by myself talking to..Sanders. This morning I went to see him and Sloan and she came along. The whole time I was remembering my vocabulary terms in psychology. I really really hope Leighn gets back with him. I mean I really really hope so.

Anyhow. I began thinking on the 45 minute drive home about love. I'm a virgin. I have honestly been in love once. Once in all of my 17 years and it turned on me faster than I had a chance to accept. My heart was hurt. I kept thinking about him. To this day I still remember all he said and did. It's been 2 years and I still feel like I only lost him days ago. And yeah I was only 15 but, I gave my whole heart. Never once did I tell myself to have my guard up. Never once did I warn myself or even suspect the kind of pain I was walking into. When he broke up with me I never thought it would turn out like it did. I thought I would never let anyone else in. Eventually I did though. I learned. I kept my guard up and I stood up for myself and I didn't get hurt as bad. I still got hurt but, I'm a teenage girl. It's inevitable.

Which brings me to my conclusion I guess. I honestly believe that two people can meet and be in love for the rest of their lives. I really do. I don't think you have to look around and shop before you buy. I think if you find an awesome deal..get that shit while you can!! I hope I have a love like the kind I believe in. I don't ever want to have to go through a divorce. I don't want to have that on me. I just want to love. I am really optimistic right now. Like forreal. I feel good. I really think I am on a good road right now.

I'm going to bed now. My stupid dog is rolling around in my comforter and I have to go kill him. Sleep tight.

I feel so alive.

It's 2am on a school night. I just got home. After 6 hours on the road,2 full cups of black coffee,7 wrong turns and 1 hell of a night. Time for beddy. Going to see Leighn tomorrow. More stories on Monday :)

Have a great weekend Zombie :D

They call me..fire biscuit!!

Oh wow. Sorry I haven't posted. I have had a pretty amazing week. I have been busy but, it really helps pass time. So as you may have assumed (ass outta u and me) I have stories for y'all!!

Saturday night my manager had a party. She invited Stephanie and Me but I was super tired and needed to got to Wal-Mart for some tape and labels. Ended up spending 30 dollars on useless stuff. Then found out my headlights..broke. idk what happened at all. Hopefully Tommy will fix them tomorrow before the game in Auburn.

I went hiking in Cheaha this past Sunday morning. We couldn't find Devils Den and after hiking 3 miles up the stupid mountain..decided we were wrong and went to play in Lake Chinnappe. Fucking cold ass water! It was freezing and I really wanted to steal a paddle boat but I decided it was wrong (plus they were chained and locked too). Came home and started packing stuff up. We move out next Wednesday!!

Finally these past three days? Three days,right? Yeah. Finally these past three days have been nothing but studying and homework. Gotta play catch up from being out with 48hourcancer. Psychology test tomorrow. Then I leave school at two. Gonna go get my carbaby fixed uppp. Game in Auburn at 7. Won't be home until like 2am. Friday probably gonna sleep until 9. Go check in to school late..go to my conference in Golden Springs for the APCR Representative. Ugh. Gotta wear heels and a dress and make-up. Then Friday night I am going to stay with my Leighn. Come home Saturday and go back to work at 5 till 11 and find something to get into Sunday. Might go over and chill with Izz.

Anyhow. I will probably have a more humorous post next time. I'm just super tired. Oh! I just got an idea. I wonder if I could stay up all night long and be totally okay at school tomorrow? I bet I could. I'm going to attempt it starting now. Maybe if I get bored I will write more. Okayy! Gnight...not

Today be the day.

I'm sick as balls. I had to have emergency surgery yesterday at 11 and came home and passed out. Leighn came to see me when she got out of school. She sang the Hannah Montanna theme song and made me feel better :)
My endologist prescribed me some Loratabs, I took them and got worse. I passed out in the shower and Mom and Jay had to put me in bed. Then I kept waking up at odd hours to vomit.
I'd also like to describe that my vomit was super watery and brown. It looked like ..shit.

So after all that, Mom is at work. I'm home alone and pondering the thought of going to get some Sprite. I'm also downloading Jewel. She sounds like Kermit the Frog and that makes me smile.
Only 12 days until we move into the new house. Woot woot.
I'm going to get some sprite now.

Th,th,th ehh that's all folks!!

Exasperated Sigh

Seriously though..why can't high school just be the fuck over with? I was listening to "I Love College" by Asher Roth all day today. Gah. 8 more long long months..it's a bitch. I'm making signs for the pep rallies right now. I'm pretty sure the sharpie got me retarded. I just keep thinking of all the bad shit that will start soon. Like we get progress reports tomorrow and I am sure I will get grounded for my 78 in Algebra II. It's not that I don't care. I am just ready for all this to be done with so I can get on with my real life. Dance my booty off.

I uh..went to Cheaha today. It's a mountain close to my house. I had fun. Jess and I rode paddle boats. We might go back this Sunday. I hope so. We wanna go to Devils Den. It's this huge waterfall you can jump off. So very fun. Work was another story. I went in at 11 and got off at 5. We were swamped. Happy Hour is the worst. If you go to sonic during happy hour..please tip and don't pay for 99 cent drinks with a 20 dollar bill. Seriously. And if you're going to be an asshole at least show some intelligence. You are very likely to have a slushee thrown in your crotch if you do this in Alabama. I did do that today. Gotta love being a southern girl. Don't fuck with me.

I'm at a steady 103 right now. Been playing tennis. You should get into that. Swear on everything it is the best workout you will ever have. Alex went to pet smart today. I saw a little yellow fish. I think I might buy her. She looked awesome and she played follow the leader with my finger. I will name her schoolbus.

Well..that's all for now. Gotta finish the posters and catch sleep. Maybe I will talk to Iz. He's this boy I kinda sorta have a total extreme crush on..somewhat definitely. Good day to you all :)

Larp :)

Today was bomb. We had a party for the game. Bama won! Derrick stayed over all day and we went larping. I fell in a hole and really cut up my leg. I think..I will live though. I lost one of my daggers so I had to rely on my swiftness..which helped in my epic fail. It was a good day though.
Leighn hasn't been over in a few weeks. I miss her. We haven't been talking much and I feel like I am losing her slowly each passing day. I think we will be okay though. I know we will.
Alex is so handsome. I bought him new color enhancing food and he is like brilliant. Ruby red hot pink electric blue and smoothe purple. I love Sir Francis Alexander Augustan. I really do.

Check out "Dramatic Reading Of A Breakup Letter" on youtube.

Sincerely Yours, Aeh :)

Ungodly Hour.

When I was young, I had no worries. No bills to pay, no deadlines, no psychology tests, and no need to fear the path that I have chosen. You live and you learn, and I fully trust in this time old saying. I know now that you never stop learning. Each and everyday is a test waiting to be taken.

You begin life just as anyone else. A tiny creature waiting to be shaped into an individual. You learn to breathe. You learn to see. You learn to smile. You learn and your body learns, everything that is essentric to surviving each passing day. You grow older with time. You learn to read, and write, and pass notes to friends. You learn to sing. You form opinions and, then turn the next day and alter those same opinions. You laugh. You study. You swing on the swingsets that the world has created just to soothe your existance. You play and you grow.

You enter your true soul. You grow to love people. You trust. You hate. You make judgements and you change them. You try to fit in, and be a different person at the same time. You create friendships. You keep them. You lose them. You throw them away. You create relationships. You love to the fullest and never think twice. You have no worries. Then as life turns the tables you learn the harsh and cruel ways of nature. You get your heart broken. You learn not to trust anyone. You learn that people change and don't change back. People change and they never change back. They never change back. You lose people. You learn about death and the agony that follows. You learn of all the pain your soul can hold inside. You learn to hide your pain. You learn to fake a smile and pretend you're okay. You learn to dwell on the way things were once upon a happier time. You wish for time-machines and delorians. You learn true heartache and laugh at yourself at what you thought was true pain and what you know is true pain. You learn to let things go. You learn that every single thing happens for a reason. You learn to be more cautious. You learn to love the things you love fully so that if you are to lose thedm they know the love you had together. You learn to become an actual individual. You learn to choose your favorite things. You live and you grow.

You learn to accept loss. You learn responsibility and how to take care of yourself. You learn to drive cars and pay for gas. You learn to pay cell phone bills, insurance bills, class fees, book fees, and you realize that if you would have saved out on that box of girl scout cookies..you could have purchased a calculator and avoided the D you made on your pre-cal test. You learn to help yourself. You learn to have a strong bond with the people that raised you. You learn to thank the teachers that punished you for being immature. Although you still have a certain passion for swimming with your friends everyday in the summer, you realize you have to work in order to pay for the car that gets you to the lake. You realize that everyone is imperfect and you just have to be happy with who you are. You grow.

Finally you start the process over. You find a person that you have such an intense love for. You find that person becoming your best friend. You find yourself telling them no lies and keeping no secrets. You fall in love with every little thing about them. You meet their family and they meet yours. You become one person. You set a date and put rings on your fingers. You throw rice and wear white. You sing and dance the night away until you drive off and return to step in the circle of life. You create a tiny creature waiting to be shaped into an individual.

You watch your darling little creature go through the same pains that you faced. You watch it learn to breathe. You watch it learn to dance. You watch it learn to read and write. You watch it fall into the traps of heartache. You watch and watch and watch. You see. You feel. You remember. You start to see it becoming an individual. You learn to let it go just as all of the others. You watch it grow and create more creatures yearning to see all that you see. You watch them laugh and weep and sing and dance and grow.

You finish and you learn that everything will be okay. You fade out like a candle in the storm. You fade to dust and where your soul goes, only you can know. You stop growing and take a breath. You accept the light and watch over all the ones you love. You watch the cycle. Again and again. You smile.

You stop growing.
You are grown.
Finally.

I hate Titans.

We lost our game last night. It was still really fun.
I got the designs for our t-shirts and I am making signs
To hand out at pep rallies.

I'm really tired of the freshman kicking our ass!!

Anyhow. Game day today! Rooolll Tiddde!! Derrick and Scottye are
Coming to our football party. One great thing about Alabama.

I am tired now. It's 2:39am and I gotta be up at 9!!
More tomorrow..gewdentawg..lmao

Meet thy neighbors..

Alex isn't sick. Turns out I just been feeding him too much. He's totally fine.

We move September 21st. Officially.

I bought my cap, gown, tassle, and memory book today.

I am now 106 pounds. Almost there.

I also have a dinner date with my art teacher tomorrow.
Alyssa and I asked her and her bf to meet up with us.
She accepted.

I feel good.
For once in a good while,
I actually feel satisfied :)

May the fates bless you all.

A Day In The Life

Alex is sick today. He won't eat and is just resting at the bottom of his bowl. I held him for a little while. He seems to be breathing well. I also cleaned his water and put an airlyseft in with him. He loves the bubbles. I am taking him to the vet in 20 minutes. She said he might have the ick. I hope not. That's like the worst fish killer!! If Alex dies..I don't know how I will ever go on :(
So I finished unpacking everything last week. Mom told me this morning she signed all the papers and we get to move on September 21st. Yay. Get to re-pack everything. Woo freaking hoo.We got our asses kicked at the football game too. we left early because we were losing. I think the final score was like 38 to 7? I'm not sure but, it was terrible. We play the Titans this Friday. Hopefully we win.
Well I'm off to see the fish doctor. Think positive for my Alex. He's my life.

Fuck Drugs!

Today was actually amazing. I felt way better. Like a superhero. Maybe I built up so much of an immune system that I'm like superhuman now. Eh. So about the title. Yeah.
Kelcie left a baggy of cocaine in her car. Her Dad found it. She blamed it on me. Oh wait. As he explained to Papa Jay "Well she didn't blame Ashleigh..but she said there were two people in her car..and it wasn't Taylors." Hmm. Sounds like a blame to me. Anyhow. I didn't get in any trouble. Mom and Jay believe me :D
Tomorrow we go to Carrolton Georgia. Playing the Trojans! Mahaha! Since I haven't really gone into detail about my spirit squad, prepare to be amazed..

We call ourselves "Black Death" for a reason. When you see the band march out and take their positions on the field, you notice a line of seven fully cloaked reapers, marching steadily behind. When the football players line up behind their break-away banner: BANG! Like a bullet from a smoking gun!! We drop our cloaks! We have on full costumes. There is: The Reaper, The dead cheerleader, The zombie, Davey Jones, Medusa, Dead Zeus, and The Undertaker!! We run across the field like smoke on the water, with our flags high above us spelling out the reason for your fear "O X F O R D" and behind the D flows our most important flag "Black Death" with our Pirate James..head in hand..screaming at our rivals "Beware The Sting!!!"

Then after we look all cool we run around and scream like a bunch of drunken idiots. Ehh who can blame us. Tomorrow night we came up with a cheer since were playing the trojans (uh-oh) "WERE THE ONES THAT YOU SHOULD FEAR!! DAD BROKE THROUGH YOU, NOW WERE HERE!!" Lmao. If you think too much on it..it turns stupid. If you ever would wanna see pictures I have a facebook. It's kinda the bomb. Ashleigh Desiree'.
And I will leave you with that bit. Goodnight.

Dear Diary,

I fell sick today.
Passed out.
Woke up in Nurses office.
Drove home.
Passed out.
Woke up.
Blogged.
Sleep..

Headache.

I am begining to think maybe this whole diet I am on is maybe bad for me. I'm starting to feel shitty. Maybe that's just because I am a total puss puss. I have been running a mile every single day and I only eat dinner. I drink lots of water though, so I don't get dehydrated. Today when I got out of class I went to my car to go home and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I'm fine now though. I will be better after I sleep!
I just took a shower with music playing and I believe I stumbled upon my senior quote: Ahem.. "Nothing good comes easily, sometimes you have to fight." It's from a song called "Amber" by 311 or Sublime..or someone. I'm pretty sure it's 311. Almost positive.
Well I have to go do my sit-ups and read some. Goodnight.

(P.S. I am starting to just think of this blog as a diary. That's alright because I do better in one way conversations to be quite honest)

What Would Jesus Do?

I spent today with my family. It makes me sad to think this is kinda my last year with them. In less than 9 months I will be out of the house. I will keep in touch and of course see Mom every week. It just won't be the same though. It feels very surreal. I feel like I should still be asking her to take me places and fill out papers and sign her name. I love them so much. I wish Mom and Jay would get married. They are so perfect for one another. I want a soulmate to share a love as epic as theirs. It will come though.
Yesterday I read a blog that really opened my eyes. What if God does still love me? I mean I have hated him and even worse..I refused to believe in him and thank him and appreciate him. I was thinking though, what if God took David for some sick and retarded purpose. If he hadn't have taken David I wouldn't be here at this point in my life. I wouldn't have learned to live with who I am. I don't know if my words make as much sense as my thoughts do. It's like I have what I want to say how I want to say it but, when it comes out it's just a puzzle of words and phrases.
My diet is going good. I only ate like 900 calories today. Only had water and green tea. Nothing sweet besides gum when I got really hungry. I also bought some more vitamins. They taste like cherry. I think I ate like half the bottle already haha. Tomorrow is school. Ugh. I have two C's already and I will probably get my car taken away within the next few weeks. Which sucks balls. Big hairy balls. But a kid like me gets over little shit like that real quick. The way I see it: more time to make bracelets and watch Ghosthunters.
Ehh. I'm off to take my shower now. Goodnight.

You gonna make biscuits??

Hola amigos! Well Friday was my first Senior Football game for Black Death (my spirit squad) we fucking tore it up!! We had huge black and gold flags and we dressed in all black and gold!! It was super fun. This upcoming Friday we are going to Georgia. I'm psyched because I have such awesome people cheering with me. It is so fun fun fun! I even bought alex a little golden skull that says "Black Death 2011" on the side. He doesn't much like it. He wants me to be home to feed him every hour like in the summer lol. He's a fatty.
Speaking of fatty. My diet is going so great. The first few days were terrible but I have found so many things to do to keep my mind off eating! I also picked up an alternative habbit to my beloved Mountain Dew. *drumroll* green tea!! It's actually quite repulsive..but it makes me feel super full..mahaha. I am more hopeful about losing weight now. It sounds bad to say but after I get past the hunger nothing can stop my determination!!
Leighn and I are weird at the moment. I mean we talk every day of course..but she keeps asking me what I am upset about and it's pissing me off cause nothings wrong and pissing her off cause she thinks I don't want to tell her when in all actuality there isn't a damn thing wrong!!! AHH BALLSACK!! I mean yeah I love her. No shit. Like I would die without her. She is the Cosette to my Valjean..but Holy Be Jesus..I wish she wouldn't worry.
Oh and my theatre group isn't performing "Night of the Living Dead" which was the only last joy I had in my pathetic little social life...so fml :)

Flesh.

I had a mental breakdown today. I haven't told anyone. Technically..now I have lol. I found a letter that David wrote to me just a few months before he passed away. I know this sounds so psychotic but, I still don't feel like he is gone. I feel him everywhere. I see him in objects and he still talks to me inside my head. I never realized until today. I just try so hard to keep him. I've created all these rituals to stop him from slipping away from me. Saying goodbye to him was such a mistake. He never left. He is still here. I can feel him. I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart that air keeps pushing through and as I read his words the hole just closed and left me trapped with the hollow space of nothing but memories. I love him. Is it wrong that I am being selfish? That I want him here. I never want him to leave. He's my Davey. I can't lose him now. I won't.
On the subject of feeling empty: I haven't eaten an actual meal in a little over three days. Idk. At school I just hate the food ,and usually I am starving by 12'o'clock..but after I went two days without lunch my stomach just kinda shrunk or something. I don't really need food at lunch. So I will just fill my tummy with water. Maybe that will help with my weight loss. I am so sick of being chubby. Darn chub rubs. I wanna get to at least 103 by Christmas. I think I can.
Aaanyways..
I am going to get some sleep now. Meeting for Black Death tomorrow. It's a spirit club for our football team. I am leading it this year. I'm pretty excited about it! So I'll try to let you know how that goes. Sweet Day to you :)

I've Senior Momma Naked..

..and it aint' too pretty! Okay..so I was super super busy last week but hopefully things will start slowing down some now. I am back on normal school schedule now. I go to bed and wake up earlier. I wonder if Leighn and I will even sleep once we get to college. I hope not. I love her still but I am very concerned. She is really upset and won't tell me what happened. It pisses me off and gets me in a horrible mood. I must know!!
Mom changed her mind. We are not moving. So I got the joy of UN-packing all the shit I packed the last 2 weeks. It seems weird throwing out a bunch of crap. I had all these cool little toys. Part of me wanted to keep them but the other part was like "Nahh..whattayah need em for??" And I went with that part. Maybe some kid in a foreign country will dig them out of the trash. Wow. That was a dick comment..but I meant it in a good way.
So I colored my hair brown today. It is already getting longer. I have been doing yoga and eating healthier. I feel better. I also picked up this book about religion. NOT saying I love God again..but I do have a certain respect for Him now. The hardest part of this change for me? I have vowed to not drink Mountain Dew. I love the way it tastes. More than anything else in this world..but it makes me fat. So I only drink water now. I have also become very fond of peaches lately. The fruit not the band. Everytime I eat one I sing the song "Peaches" by The Presidents of The United States of America. Speaking of presidents (irrelevant) I believe I am going to lyrics from a Ben Folds song for my senior quote. I am thinking "These days that you have waited for will come and go like any day. Just another day." But..it seems very..ehh..whatstheword?? Negative? Depressing? Idk..anyways. I need a quote. And sleep!! So I am hitting the hay now :)

She Must Be A Lesbian

Today was my last first day of high school ever!! It went pretty well. We had orientation all morning and the seniors go last. So I sat in homeroom for about 3 hours. Well..technically I slept for like 2 hours. We watched the discovery channel and I kinda zoned out and dozed off. I have to walk like three miles to get from 4th period to 5th period. Which is super gay. I have been trying to lose weight though so maybe it will help out some. I have been setting limits for how much I eat. Like only a piece of fruit and water for breakfast (Hollidays not included) and something simple for lunch. Today I had one slice of pizza and a scoop of pineapples. I weigh about 117 now. I want to get down to at least 104 by the end of school. I'm only 5'4 so I feel like if I am going to be short..I can't be fat too. Psychology class is going to be crazy. The people in there are so funny. Within the first 5 minutes of class we had already opened a class discussion on serial killers, child molesters, magicians, and naked women. My teacher said "Well magicians do use a lot of psychology. Me being a married heterosexual woman..even I want to stare at half naked assistants to see if something pops out.." Mahahahahahahaha!! Wow. Best Teacher Ever. In 6th period Enviromental Science we watched The Suite Life On Deck. Haha. And then theatre. Theatre is always just theatre. We talked about plans for this school year. I'm really kinda pissed that I have to be in a class with Theatre III kids. Being a Theatre IV kid I feel better than those filthy little imbeciles. One kid pissed me the fuck off and is already on my badside. Talking shit to my Kelcie. Better watch himself. I'll cut em' and they won't never find his body..
After school Leighn came over to play. Mahaha. Play. She got a cute car! When I drove through Wal-Mart parking lot to find her she said "Roll down your window and follow the horn..". Eventually I found her and she came to my house to get her senior pictures. We put Hair Mousse in my floor. My carpet is all hard now. It wasn't a good idea at all forreal. Like it cost me 25bucks for that mousse and now my capet is fucked up. What good came of that?? Who knows. Who knows. Anywaysss. She messed around in Alex's fishtank and pissed him off. I really look forward to the fun we are sure to have when we get our own house. Her Mom is wanting to move to Pell City. She is just going to give us her apartment that she lives at now. Which is weird. It will be so weird living by ourselves. Fun though right? Of course. Of course. Of course. Duh..
After I dropped her off at her car I came home to eat dinner. I think my body knows about me wanting to lose weight so badly. I started to eat my chicken alfredo and I only got like six bites before I wanted to throw up. I took it as a sign from the fates and threw the rest away. Secretly I am kind of happy. Before college I want to look like my dream me. Tiny tummy. Toned legs. Long hair. And cool fashion sense. Okay. So letsmakeithappennn :)

Thunderstorms.

Today was not happy. I realized a lot while sitting in my room. I am still in the process of packing up shit to move in 16 days. I found an old box full of pictures and toys from when I was younger. I guess I never really thought of how fast it seems to have passed. It felt like those pictures of me in my Barney shirt were only taken a few months ago. It made me think about who I was,who I am and who I want to be.
I was a happy froggy. I was so full of life. I remember our trailor and then our brick house. We had a swing. I remeber picking apples and sneaking out to jump on the trampoline or play in the field at night. I remember playing with my friends. Then Mom had Savannah. My Step-Dad went bad after that. He started drinking more. We moved into a big white house and he always had his friends over. I used to make food and serve them from my play kitchen while they smoked on the front porch. We painted my playroom yellow. A beautiful light yellow that reminded me of the sun setting of an autumn afternon. When Dad hit Mom I went in that room. I was there a lot. And then one day Mom met another man. He helped us escape. We lived in a private residence and I could play anywhere I wanted. I met my best friend Leighn there. It was the happiest time of my life. Then after about six years..on my 12th birthday things changed. Step-Dad #2 told me that I was growing up. He told me that I needed to act and dress more grown up. He bought me grown up clothes. My jeans fit tight and my shirts. My bras made my boobs stick out and all of my shirts were cut too low. He bought me short skirts and a lot of make-up and expensive jewelry. I was head of the game. Leighn told me I seemed different. Then we adopted Marie. I became a little Mommy. I loved that baby with all of my heart. I took her everywhere. When I was 13 I quit cheerleading. Step-Dad #2 started touching me. He would stick his hands in my shirt and would walk in on me changing. He took the lock off my door when I tried to stop him. He wanted to see me in ways I never understood why. I would pray to God every night to make things go back to how they were. Then God sent me David. David protected me. He made me better. He taught me that I could stand up to Step-Dad #2. I loved him. More than words could explain. He was always there for me. David and Leighn were the only people I had. StepDad#2 told me if I told Mom that he would say I was lying and I would get sent off. David and Leighn talked me into telling someone. Asking for help. I was in the 7th grade. I told my teacher. She promised not to tell anyone. DHR came and told Stepdad#2 that he was in trouble. Then everyone knew. Everyone stared at us when we went out. Everyone whispered. I felt like a criminal. I was so lost and confused. David helped me. We made a plan to run far away together. He told me he would take me somewhere that nobody knew of. Then on October 7th David passed away. The only thing other than Leighn that I had strength to believe in and love an hold onto was gone. I hated God. I have not believed in him since that night. Then a month after David died we moved. Away from everything I knew. The time I needed comfort the most. Stepdad#2 ran away from us. Mom met boyfriend#1 and we hated one another. Then after 3 years of being put down and pushed around Mom met Jay. Jay changed everything. He actually cared for us. All 4 of us. He listened to me. He talked to me when I needed to get things off my chest. He never once has said anything with intent to hurt me. Mom and I grew strong. She was all I had after all we went through. I appreciate her more and more with each passing day. I admire her. She has given me everything I could have ever dreamed of (except a Lamborghini) and I love her more than life. I am broken. I have seen hurt. I have been hurt. I fell in love. Once. His name was Terrance. He loved me and made me feel special. Then he started using drugs. It hurt us. He beat me up a few times. I refused to give him my virginity. (Stepdad#2 was on a load of medications and he drugged me numerous times. So I'm still not sure whether I have it or not. I never gave it up though and to me that's all that matters..) I want to be sure when I take that step. Anyways. He broke my heart. Slept with almost all of the friends I thought I had made. And up until 2months ago I was STILL pathetically in love with him.
Which brings me to who I am. I am a nervous kid who suffers from paranoia and low (almost no) self-esteem. I love Mountain Dew,Gir,my betta fish Sir Francis Alexander Augustan,and life. I am happy. I am ready. I am anxious!! I look forward to graduating because it means another chapter in my book.
Which brings me to who I want to be. Honestly this is so super cheesy. I want to be full. I want to graduate. Move out and experience life for all it is and all it's cracked up to be. I want to fuck up and fix things. I want to meet an amazing boy. I want to love him. I want to fight with him and make up with him. I want to laugh with him. Eventually I want to marry him and have little children with him. I want to grow old with Leighn. I want to look back on these days and smile just how I smile when I look back to before now. I want to weep some more. Because you never truly know how alive you are until every part of your soul aches. I want to breathe. I want to feel my lungs working and my heart beating. I want to see the most beautiful things and live to tell my children and my grandchildren about the true joys of life. And as morbid as it seems..I want to die. I want to disappear and see what I have been missing during the times that I was living. I want the full ride. No matter what I have been through or what I go through. There is always a hope. There is always that little spark. Fate is waiting to show me the best days of my life. I am ready :)

The joy of Justyn.

I may have forgot to mention my other best friends. See Leighn lives in another city. So I have friends here in this town that I see more often. My two closest friends here are Justyn and Kelcie. Savannah is too but she's moving off to college in a little less than a month. We have somewhat lost touch. She's still always great. I also have JoAnna. She is the true definition of a go getter. What she wants..she gets. I have Derrick. He makes me laugh and stands up for me when people annoy me in theatre. Brett. My sweet Bretticuss. He could kick your ass. I don't care who you are. He could. He's super easygoing though. Micah..I hate him. So much but I will miss him when he goes to college. Wilson. He plays guitar and says really cheesy things. My mom loves him. My bestest buddy. Not friend. Buddy..there's a difference. A buddy is someone who you rarely hang out with outside of a certain atmosphere (this on being school). Anywho. My best buddy is Jess. Totally amazing in everything she does. She loves Harry Potter. Listens to all indie music. And makes jokes that only she and I laugh about. And she always steals other peoples things and puts them down her shirt. And lastly. My 2nd really good buddy is Kasey. She listens to classical music and Pink Floyd. She is super smart and reads really cool books.
So anyways. My two closest friends here. Justyn. Gay as gay can be. Think about The Birdcage. Yeah he's a total flamer. And the funniest person you will never meet. Kelcie. She is the exact opposite of me. We are like chocolate and vanilla. We constantly joke about being lesbians. I'm pretty sure everyone takes us seriously. We don't care. We like loud music and yummy food. We talk about everything and nothing..at the same time. We are both passionate about making people laugh. So we are always good company. I love her.
This year is different however. Everyone is going to college. It will just be Kelcie, Kasey, Derrick and Jess. Of course Leighn. I think I can make it though. I have a ton of people I talk to and chill with. I just don't have as big a spark with them as I do my friends.
Off subject and on kind of a lower note: I am scared. I know right now the weeks drag on and it feels like it's going to take forever. I know how this goes. It will fly by faster than I can breathe in and exhale. I don't want to look back at my senior year of high school and realize that I missed any chances. The main thing I fear though is Graduation. I think I had to go through Hell in high school? Wait until I get in the real world. High school is a sheltered dream. The real Hell is waiting for me outside of those walls. I still consider myself "just a seventeen year old". What happens when I have to grow up? I've been waiting all of my life for this and now that the time has come. Am I actually ready for this?

One Last Year.

Today (of course) was highly uneventful. We went to my Aunt Amandas house warming party. I got my senior pictures back. I wish I was super pretty. That's my goal for the next three weeks. To become gorgeous. Ha.
At dinner Mom gave me a speech about how she only has this one last year to teach me. She's afraid I am not going to go to college. Which ...I'm going right? I'm positive I am. I mean. What else is there to do? I could serve food or bag groceries for the rest of my life. That's not saying that there aren't people out there who make themselves successful without furthering their high school education. There are. Those people are brilliant. Which I am not. So yes college is a definite thing for my future. I might not know what I want to major in. I will though. Time answers all questions.
Lastly. I went to visit Parker today. I showed up at his house in full LARP attire. He just laughed at me. He said he was planning to ask if I wanted to battle his team. Which I said I would. It really sucks I have to defeat them. They are all so young. But hey..I learned my life lessons early. It's time I begin to teach.

Way late? Or too early?

Yeah I totally am just getting into bed. I got off work at 11:40 and went movie shopping. I bought "The Crazies" and I have to say it was not what I expected. I loved it. Mainly just because I love zombies. Or..the idea..of zombies. Therefore I was sure to at the least..like it. I woke my sister up when I got home around 12 and she came down and made me bagel bites. Then we burnt the first batch and opened the door to let the smoke out. Seeing as we didn't really want Mom and Jay to be pissed off having to get up at 12am to get the smoke alarm to shut up. Luckily that didn't happen. Unluckily the biggest spider I have ever seen in real life came in and chilled out right in front of the stairs for a while. I sprayed him with spider spray. You know. I feel kind of sad for him. I mean. What did he do to me? Just scared me a little. Does that mean I had to murder him? I watched him writhe in pain until I could no longer take it and then I squished him with a book. Then my sister asked "Are you seriously crying?". To which I responded "I just. Was wondering. If maybe it was a Mommy spider." Then we ate bagels!!
Work was boring btw. No fights. Just gay stuff as usual. I wore awesome socks though. Andy brought me Mountain Dew for helping him answer a riddle and win five bucks. Which I don't think I have mentioned to you guys how insanely addicted to Mountain Dew I am. It is nearly impossible for me to go an entire 3 hours without one. There is absolutely NO exageration in that last sentence. Anyhow. He told me this guy Parker is planning a huge LARP. Um. Wtf? I am the only person in my city allowed to plan LARPs. So I am going to visit Parker tomorrow. And remind him why. Now..where did I put my sword?

Trying times of a teen with a schedule.

I missed my appointment. I flipped shit when I woke up and realized I was 3 hours late. Stupid Pokemon alarm. I called and now have one Monday morning at 11am. I'm really glad Mom wasn't pissed.
In other news. I made my 13 year old sister watch Star Wars today. Which didn't go all that well. The 6 year old loved it though. I also found out that on May 6th Thor is being released!!! He is my favorite superhero OF ALL TIME!! The guy playing Thor (Chris Something) looks amazing. My only concern is that Hopkins is playing Odin. Now don't get me wrong. Hopkins=GREAT actor. Gandalf? Yeah sure I get that. Wise old wizard. Very schnae. But to be the darkest villian of all time? The Father to all evil and the God to every warrior born? I'm concerned.
Speaking of being concerned. Today I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I'm a virgin. So..
Also. I have work tomorrow. Stephanie and Melody had it out last time I was at work and I am closing with both of them tomorrow night. You guys might actually get something worth reading. Talking about work makes me want onion rings sooo bad. I must have some for break tomorrow. Ooh. And chicken. With honey mustard.
Mom told me today that Leighn and I better get all of our indulgence of fast food out before next summer because when we have our place we will need to save up to pay bills. My response: "Oh we won't have bills. We'll be famous." Hahaha. She actually just laughed and said whatever. I finally got that countdown app too. Only 313 days until I graduate!! Woo Hoo that's...still. A. Long. Time.
But I shall view my glass as half full by leaving you with these words: It will be over before I know it :)

Woot.

Congratulations to myself. I got my very first follower today (thanks Adam).
Today has been a real run around. My Mom made my doctors appointment for 9am. Geeze. I am going to hate having to get up early when school starts back. I'M SOOO EXCITED THOUGH!! I watched Drumline today and cried my eyes out when they graduated. I'm starting to ponder the thought that maybe Mom is right about me needing medication. Guess we will have to wait and see what the doctor says.
Second major event of the day: I bought Sir Francis a new plant for his bowl today. He absolutely loves it. He swam through the leaves and played in it for a real long time. I love feeding him. He gets super excited and dances in the water. Leighn says "You need to feed that poor baby more" but he eats like 7 times a day. He's fat. For a fish. But do I care? Hell naww. He is my bub and I love him just the way he is.
Third. I went to Freecreditscore.com and voted for The Poets Dance today. I like them and The Victorious Secrets. Evolove would be okay if they weren't trying to be No Doubt. And the band I Love Monsters. Who says that? Obviously they have never seen a real monster. They would NOT love it. So anyways..go vote.
I also saw the trailor for "The Other Guys" today. Will Farrell is one of the funniest guys alive. I will be seeing that. Along with Zach Galifianakias' new movie with Steve Ca(however you spell it) and Despicable Me.
Well I'm guessing that's it. More tomorrow after the doctors. Peace out homies.

Dirty Dishes and A Drug Test

So Mom woke me up this morning at 5:42am to ask if I was smoking pot. Her reason being that I left a plate in the sink when I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to load it into the dishwasher. So she flipped her lid and bought a drug test. I passed..of course. We then had a 20 minute conversation about my irregular period and my emotional unstability. Hmm. I am now scheduled a doctors appointment this Friday because Mom wants me to get some medications to help level out my emotions. So that was fun fun fun. Anyhow. Next subject.
In other news I took a picture on my phone today. I had a wig on and my dress was really light and the sunshine hit the lace just right and created a total ghostgirl look. Probably my new favorite picture. Speaking of ghosts. I was watching Ghost Hunters last night and I decided to browse the web for equipment to start my own paranormal investigations and I'm almost 97% positive I accidentally ordered a $247 emf detector. So I'm really hoping that with this whole drug thing Mom has in her head that I am just thinking it happened and it really didn't.
Eh well. I suppose it's time for me to hit the sheets. Ever heard that song Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil? Yeah well I totally just imagined my ghostgirl self falling into a bed of flaming egyptian cotton sheets. Beautiful. So. That's all for tonight..talk to whoever..tomorrow.

My First Post

Okay. Well honestly I don't know what to do here. I guess I could think of a whole web of little lies and cool sayings. The truth is..I'm totally average. Too average.
I'm seventeen years young and finally a senior in high school. I start back in exactly 4 weeks. I don't think it is possible for me to be any more excited without causing spontaneous combustion. I have a best friend. Her name is Leighn. It's pronounced exactly like "lane" for those who might struggle with that. I love her to death. She is the Sam to my Frodo. My pet betta (Sir Francis Alexander Augustan) is my own personal Jesus. I tell him everything. I'm pretty sure he was made just for me. He's the bomb.
My family life is average too. My Mom is a model slash computer technician slash nurse slash counselor slash caregiver slash superhero. Her boyfriend is totally a froggy. He's awesome. I have two younger sisters and two dogs. My Mom is Elizabeth and my step-dad is Jay. My sisters are Dawn (13) and Marie(6). My Dad is Leigh. He is pretty amazing. He is super funny and really smart. I see him about 3 times a year but we talk almost every day. I love him.
As far as anything else goes. Well maybe just read and find out. Something is bound to happen sometime.