No Subject

This may be the last time I write for a good while. Everything in my life is spiraling out of control and I am losing my sanity with each passing day. I don't know who I am or even what I am doing. I'm a stranger to who I was and I am scared of what I will become. Until I figure myself out,I think it is best that I keep to myself. I'm sorry. Really there is only one person who reads this and I want him to know that I honestly respect you. I learn by reading about you. Please don't think that you haven't helped change me because you have.

I just need some time. I need space to breathe and settle into my skin. I need to find out who I am. Where I am. What I'm doing here. Who I need. What I need. I just need time.

I'll be back soon. May the fates be in your favor Zombie.

Last night in my old room :)

Yessir! We officially move into the new house tomorrow! I am so excited. However,I haven't done my math homework all week nor my art project nor my english presentation. And here I am..blogging.
I saw Alex today. He is upset with me. He wants to be home again. They treat him like a fish. I treated him like a God. My own personal Jesus. I guess. If Jesus was a God. Was he? I have no clue..
I am about to go braid my hair and do homework.
Talk to you after the move!!
<33 Ashleigh Desiree'

Uskoa du uunta.

Alex is being carefully watched by a close friend. Everything is packed and I don't think he handles the stress well. I'm missing him. Very tired and need teep..

Gooodnight.

Attack of the PandaBearHair!!

I bleached some of my hair.
Yeah..only some of it. Sounds weird but it actually makes me look mature.
Okay..not really.

Today I did nothing. Went to work again. I really have to figure out why "MisterBenFoldsKinda" keeps buying three cheeseburgers. I mean it's really irking me out. I MUST KNOWW!!I also downloaded (legally of course) a shit-ton of Lady Gaga. She's..what's the word..the bomb? If bombs wore high heels and glitter triangle suits..and rode on unicorns in a yellow ocean. Okay yeah. Enough about that. I boxed up every single thing in my room!! Finally!! Alex is pretty pissed about me taking down his Silver Surfer poster. He's been pouting all day. I tried to give him a treat and he just went down by his little octopus and gave me the evil eye. Gah..I love that fishy. I bought a three-headed dragon incense burner today!! It looks like the dragons are breathing out smoke and it's pretty much the bomb. If bombs were three-headed smoke blowing dragons on a nightstand in a weird teenagers room.

Well boys. It's 12:26am and I have a psychology test tomorrow. Sleep is required. Hopefully I get a lot of grown-up things accomplished tomorrow afternoon. Toodaloo :D

Alex My Boobie.

Today was just stupid.

Honestly all I did was pack up shit. I went to work and had a bunch of really weird customers. No surprise. I really should just start an entirely new blog about working at Sonic. God. They could seriously make a movie about some of the people that come up there. One guy cussed me out and a big black guy threatened to kick his ass for being rude to me and the other guy drove off. Some weirdo asked me to drive him home because he was "mentally stranded on an island of hopelessness." Dot dot dot. A lady asked me if I had seen the video about cooking cats in microwaves and then proceeded to tell me about how she gets a sick enjoyment out of it. Other than those four I just had the regulars. My guy with an overbite who buys ice and his crazy/sweet wifey gave me a pink scarf with unicorns on it. "Misterbenfoldskindof.." came and bought three hamburgers which is weird because he is single and has no children. Could've changed poker night though. I've been quite puzzled by this mystery. CatLady came and gave me an enormous yellow coffee mug. I honestly love her. She's a total alcoholic and has like 7 cats but she is beautiful and super intelligent. She told me about a book I plan on buying tomorrow.

Ahhh. Anyways. Going to bed now. Have to get up and get going. After school I am going to work to pick up some boxes. Then gonna buy my book and a coffee. Then pack and do homework. Sounds so fun. NIGHT YA'LLL!!!

I will always love you.

The past weekend I spent with Leighn has made me decide a lot about my views on love. Leighn had a boyfriend named Sanders. I totally love Sanders. He is one of my best friends. I honestly cannot lose him. Leighn and Sanders are (as of last week) taking a break. I went to stay with Leighn but she ditched out on me for some asshole and I ended up at her house by myself talking to..Sanders. This morning I went to see him and Sloan and she came along. The whole time I was remembering my vocabulary terms in psychology. I really really hope Leighn gets back with him. I mean I really really hope so.

Anyhow. I began thinking on the 45 minute drive home about love. I'm a virgin. I have honestly been in love once. Once in all of my 17 years and it turned on me faster than I had a chance to accept. My heart was hurt. I kept thinking about him. To this day I still remember all he said and did. It's been 2 years and I still feel like I only lost him days ago. And yeah I was only 15 but, I gave my whole heart. Never once did I tell myself to have my guard up. Never once did I warn myself or even suspect the kind of pain I was walking into. When he broke up with me I never thought it would turn out like it did. I thought I would never let anyone else in. Eventually I did though. I learned. I kept my guard up and I stood up for myself and I didn't get hurt as bad. I still got hurt but, I'm a teenage girl. It's inevitable.

Which brings me to my conclusion I guess. I honestly believe that two people can meet and be in love for the rest of their lives. I really do. I don't think you have to look around and shop before you buy. I think if you find an awesome deal..get that shit while you can!! I hope I have a love like the kind I believe in. I don't ever want to have to go through a divorce. I don't want to have that on me. I just want to love. I am really optimistic right now. Like forreal. I feel good. I really think I am on a good road right now.

I'm going to bed now. My stupid dog is rolling around in my comforter and I have to go kill him. Sleep tight.

I feel so alive.

It's 2am on a school night. I just got home. After 6 hours on the road,2 full cups of black coffee,7 wrong turns and 1 hell of a night. Time for beddy. Going to see Leighn tomorrow. More stories on Monday :)

Have a great weekend Zombie :D

They call me..fire biscuit!!

Oh wow. Sorry I haven't posted. I have had a pretty amazing week. I have been busy but, it really helps pass time. So as you may have assumed (ass outta u and me) I have stories for y'all!!

Saturday night my manager had a party. She invited Stephanie and Me but I was super tired and needed to got to Wal-Mart for some tape and labels. Ended up spending 30 dollars on useless stuff. Then found out my headlights..broke. idk what happened at all. Hopefully Tommy will fix them tomorrow before the game in Auburn.

I went hiking in Cheaha this past Sunday morning. We couldn't find Devils Den and after hiking 3 miles up the stupid mountain..decided we were wrong and went to play in Lake Chinnappe. Fucking cold ass water! It was freezing and I really wanted to steal a paddle boat but I decided it was wrong (plus they were chained and locked too). Came home and started packing stuff up. We move out next Wednesday!!

Finally these past three days? Three days,right? Yeah. Finally these past three days have been nothing but studying and homework. Gotta play catch up from being out with 48hourcancer. Psychology test tomorrow. Then I leave school at two. Gonna go get my carbaby fixed uppp. Game in Auburn at 7. Won't be home until like 2am. Friday probably gonna sleep until 9. Go check in to school late..go to my conference in Golden Springs for the APCR Representative. Ugh. Gotta wear heels and a dress and make-up. Then Friday night I am going to stay with my Leighn. Come home Saturday and go back to work at 5 till 11 and find something to get into Sunday. Might go over and chill with Izz.

Anyhow. I will probably have a more humorous post next time. I'm just super tired. Oh! I just got an idea. I wonder if I could stay up all night long and be totally okay at school tomorrow? I bet I could. I'm going to attempt it starting now. Maybe if I get bored I will write more. Okayy! Gnight...not

Today be the day.

I'm sick as balls. I had to have emergency surgery yesterday at 11 and came home and passed out. Leighn came to see me when she got out of school. She sang the Hannah Montanna theme song and made me feel better :)
My endologist prescribed me some Loratabs, I took them and got worse. I passed out in the shower and Mom and Jay had to put me in bed. Then I kept waking up at odd hours to vomit.
I'd also like to describe that my vomit was super watery and brown. It looked like ..shit.

So after all that, Mom is at work. I'm home alone and pondering the thought of going to get some Sprite. I'm also downloading Jewel. She sounds like Kermit the Frog and that makes me smile.
Only 12 days until we move into the new house. Woot woot.
I'm going to get some sprite now.

Th,th,th ehh that's all folks!!

Exasperated Sigh

Seriously though..why can't high school just be the fuck over with? I was listening to "I Love College" by Asher Roth all day today. Gah. 8 more long long months..it's a bitch. I'm making signs for the pep rallies right now. I'm pretty sure the sharpie got me retarded. I just keep thinking of all the bad shit that will start soon. Like we get progress reports tomorrow and I am sure I will get grounded for my 78 in Algebra II. It's not that I don't care. I am just ready for all this to be done with so I can get on with my real life. Dance my booty off.

I uh..went to Cheaha today. It's a mountain close to my house. I had fun. Jess and I rode paddle boats. We might go back this Sunday. I hope so. We wanna go to Devils Den. It's this huge waterfall you can jump off. So very fun. Work was another story. I went in at 11 and got off at 5. We were swamped. Happy Hour is the worst. If you go to sonic during happy hour..please tip and don't pay for 99 cent drinks with a 20 dollar bill. Seriously. And if you're going to be an asshole at least show some intelligence. You are very likely to have a slushee thrown in your crotch if you do this in Alabama. I did do that today. Gotta love being a southern girl. Don't fuck with me.

I'm at a steady 103 right now. Been playing tennis. You should get into that. Swear on everything it is the best workout you will ever have. Alex went to pet smart today. I saw a little yellow fish. I think I might buy her. She looked awesome and she played follow the leader with my finger. I will name her schoolbus.

Well..that's all for now. Gotta finish the posters and catch sleep. Maybe I will talk to Iz. He's this boy I kinda sorta have a total extreme crush on..somewhat definitely. Good day to you all :)

Larp :)

Today was bomb. We had a party for the game. Bama won! Derrick stayed over all day and we went larping. I fell in a hole and really cut up my leg. I think..I will live though. I lost one of my daggers so I had to rely on my swiftness..which helped in my epic fail. It was a good day though.
Leighn hasn't been over in a few weeks. I miss her. We haven't been talking much and I feel like I am losing her slowly each passing day. I think we will be okay though. I know we will.
Alex is so handsome. I bought him new color enhancing food and he is like brilliant. Ruby red hot pink electric blue and smoothe purple. I love Sir Francis Alexander Augustan. I really do.

Check out "Dramatic Reading Of A Breakup Letter" on youtube.

Sincerely Yours, Aeh :)

Ungodly Hour.

When I was young, I had no worries. No bills to pay, no deadlines, no psychology tests, and no need to fear the path that I have chosen. You live and you learn, and I fully trust in this time old saying. I know now that you never stop learning. Each and everyday is a test waiting to be taken.

You begin life just as anyone else. A tiny creature waiting to be shaped into an individual. You learn to breathe. You learn to see. You learn to smile. You learn and your body learns, everything that is essentric to surviving each passing day. You grow older with time. You learn to read, and write, and pass notes to friends. You learn to sing. You form opinions and, then turn the next day and alter those same opinions. You laugh. You study. You swing on the swingsets that the world has created just to soothe your existance. You play and you grow.

You enter your true soul. You grow to love people. You trust. You hate. You make judgements and you change them. You try to fit in, and be a different person at the same time. You create friendships. You keep them. You lose them. You throw them away. You create relationships. You love to the fullest and never think twice. You have no worries. Then as life turns the tables you learn the harsh and cruel ways of nature. You get your heart broken. You learn not to trust anyone. You learn that people change and don't change back. People change and they never change back. They never change back. You lose people. You learn about death and the agony that follows. You learn of all the pain your soul can hold inside. You learn to hide your pain. You learn to fake a smile and pretend you're okay. You learn to dwell on the way things were once upon a happier time. You wish for time-machines and delorians. You learn true heartache and laugh at yourself at what you thought was true pain and what you know is true pain. You learn to let things go. You learn that every single thing happens for a reason. You learn to be more cautious. You learn to love the things you love fully so that if you are to lose thedm they know the love you had together. You learn to become an actual individual. You learn to choose your favorite things. You live and you grow.

You learn to accept loss. You learn responsibility and how to take care of yourself. You learn to drive cars and pay for gas. You learn to pay cell phone bills, insurance bills, class fees, book fees, and you realize that if you would have saved out on that box of girl scout cookies..you could have purchased a calculator and avoided the D you made on your pre-cal test. You learn to help yourself. You learn to have a strong bond with the people that raised you. You learn to thank the teachers that punished you for being immature. Although you still have a certain passion for swimming with your friends everyday in the summer, you realize you have to work in order to pay for the car that gets you to the lake. You realize that everyone is imperfect and you just have to be happy with who you are. You grow.

Finally you start the process over. You find a person that you have such an intense love for. You find that person becoming your best friend. You find yourself telling them no lies and keeping no secrets. You fall in love with every little thing about them. You meet their family and they meet yours. You become one person. You set a date and put rings on your fingers. You throw rice and wear white. You sing and dance the night away until you drive off and return to step in the circle of life. You create a tiny creature waiting to be shaped into an individual.

You watch your darling little creature go through the same pains that you faced. You watch it learn to breathe. You watch it learn to dance. You watch it learn to read and write. You watch it fall into the traps of heartache. You watch and watch and watch. You see. You feel. You remember. You start to see it becoming an individual. You learn to let it go just as all of the others. You watch it grow and create more creatures yearning to see all that you see. You watch them laugh and weep and sing and dance and grow.

You finish and you learn that everything will be okay. You fade out like a candle in the storm. You fade to dust and where your soul goes, only you can know. You stop growing and take a breath. You accept the light and watch over all the ones you love. You watch the cycle. Again and again. You smile.

You stop growing.
You are grown.
Finally.

I hate Titans.

We lost our game last night. It was still really fun.
I got the designs for our t-shirts and I am making signs
To hand out at pep rallies.

I'm really tired of the freshman kicking our ass!!

Anyhow. Game day today! Rooolll Tiddde!! Derrick and Scottye are
Coming to our football party. One great thing about Alabama.

I am tired now. It's 2:39am and I gotta be up at 9!!
More tomorrow..gewdentawg..lmao