Thunderstorms.

Today was not happy. I realized a lot while sitting in my room. I am still in the process of packing up shit to move in 16 days. I found an old box full of pictures and toys from when I was younger. I guess I never really thought of how fast it seems to have passed. It felt like those pictures of me in my Barney shirt were only taken a few months ago. It made me think about who I was,who I am and who I want to be.
I was a happy froggy. I was so full of life. I remember our trailor and then our brick house. We had a swing. I remeber picking apples and sneaking out to jump on the trampoline or play in the field at night. I remember playing with my friends. Then Mom had Savannah. My Step-Dad went bad after that. He started drinking more. We moved into a big white house and he always had his friends over. I used to make food and serve them from my play kitchen while they smoked on the front porch. We painted my playroom yellow. A beautiful light yellow that reminded me of the sun setting of an autumn afternon. When Dad hit Mom I went in that room. I was there a lot. And then one day Mom met another man. He helped us escape. We lived in a private residence and I could play anywhere I wanted. I met my best friend Leighn there. It was the happiest time of my life. Then after about six years..on my 12th birthday things changed. Step-Dad #2 told me that I was growing up. He told me that I needed to act and dress more grown up. He bought me grown up clothes. My jeans fit tight and my shirts. My bras made my boobs stick out and all of my shirts were cut too low. He bought me short skirts and a lot of make-up and expensive jewelry. I was head of the game. Leighn told me I seemed different. Then we adopted Marie. I became a little Mommy. I loved that baby with all of my heart. I took her everywhere. When I was 13 I quit cheerleading. Step-Dad #2 started touching me. He would stick his hands in my shirt and would walk in on me changing. He took the lock off my door when I tried to stop him. He wanted to see me in ways I never understood why. I would pray to God every night to make things go back to how they were. Then God sent me David. David protected me. He made me better. He taught me that I could stand up to Step-Dad #2. I loved him. More than words could explain. He was always there for me. David and Leighn were the only people I had. StepDad#2 told me if I told Mom that he would say I was lying and I would get sent off. David and Leighn talked me into telling someone. Asking for help. I was in the 7th grade. I told my teacher. She promised not to tell anyone. DHR came and told Stepdad#2 that he was in trouble. Then everyone knew. Everyone stared at us when we went out. Everyone whispered. I felt like a criminal. I was so lost and confused. David helped me. We made a plan to run far away together. He told me he would take me somewhere that nobody knew of. Then on October 7th David passed away. The only thing other than Leighn that I had strength to believe in and love an hold onto was gone. I hated God. I have not believed in him since that night. Then a month after David died we moved. Away from everything I knew. The time I needed comfort the most. Stepdad#2 ran away from us. Mom met boyfriend#1 and we hated one another. Then after 3 years of being put down and pushed around Mom met Jay. Jay changed everything. He actually cared for us. All 4 of us. He listened to me. He talked to me when I needed to get things off my chest. He never once has said anything with intent to hurt me. Mom and I grew strong. She was all I had after all we went through. I appreciate her more and more with each passing day. I admire her. She has given me everything I could have ever dreamed of (except a Lamborghini) and I love her more than life. I am broken. I have seen hurt. I have been hurt. I fell in love. Once. His name was Terrance. He loved me and made me feel special. Then he started using drugs. It hurt us. He beat me up a few times. I refused to give him my virginity. (Stepdad#2 was on a load of medications and he drugged me numerous times. So I'm still not sure whether I have it or not. I never gave it up though and to me that's all that matters..) I want to be sure when I take that step. Anyways. He broke my heart. Slept with almost all of the friends I thought I had made. And up until 2months ago I was STILL pathetically in love with him.
Which brings me to who I am. I am a nervous kid who suffers from paranoia and low (almost no) self-esteem. I love Mountain Dew,Gir,my betta fish Sir Francis Alexander Augustan,and life. I am happy. I am ready. I am anxious!! I look forward to graduating because it means another chapter in my book.
Which brings me to who I want to be. Honestly this is so super cheesy. I want to be full. I want to graduate. Move out and experience life for all it is and all it's cracked up to be. I want to fuck up and fix things. I want to meet an amazing boy. I want to love him. I want to fight with him and make up with him. I want to laugh with him. Eventually I want to marry him and have little children with him. I want to grow old with Leighn. I want to look back on these days and smile just how I smile when I look back to before now. I want to weep some more. Because you never truly know how alive you are until every part of your soul aches. I want to breathe. I want to feel my lungs working and my heart beating. I want to see the most beautiful things and live to tell my children and my grandchildren about the true joys of life. And as morbid as it seems..I want to die. I want to disappear and see what I have been missing during the times that I was living. I want the full ride. No matter what I have been through or what I go through. There is always a hope. There is always that little spark. Fate is waiting to show me the best days of my life. I am ready :)