Thunderstorms.

Today was not happy. I realized a lot while sitting in my room. I am still in the process of packing up shit to move in 16 days. I found an old box full of pictures and toys from when I was younger. I guess I never really thought of how fast it seems to have passed. It felt like those pictures of me in my Barney shirt were only taken a few months ago. It made me think about who I was,who I am and who I want to be.
I was a happy froggy. I was so full of life. I remember our trailor and then our brick house. We had a swing. I remeber picking apples and sneaking out to jump on the trampoline or play in the field at night. I remember playing with my friends. Then Mom had Savannah. My Step-Dad went bad after that. He started drinking more. We moved into a big white house and he always had his friends over. I used to make food and serve them from my play kitchen while they smoked on the front porch. We painted my playroom yellow. A beautiful light yellow that reminded me of the sun setting of an autumn afternon. When Dad hit Mom I went in that room. I was there a lot. And then one day Mom met another man. He helped us escape. We lived in a private residence and I could play anywhere I wanted. I met my best friend Leighn there. It was the happiest time of my life. Then after about six years..on my 12th birthday things changed. Step-Dad #2 told me that I was growing up. He told me that I needed to act and dress more grown up. He bought me grown up clothes. My jeans fit tight and my shirts. My bras made my boobs stick out and all of my shirts were cut too low. He bought me short skirts and a lot of make-up and expensive jewelry. I was head of the game. Leighn told me I seemed different. Then we adopted Marie. I became a little Mommy. I loved that baby with all of my heart. I took her everywhere. When I was 13 I quit cheerleading. Step-Dad #2 started touching me. He would stick his hands in my shirt and would walk in on me changing. He took the lock off my door when I tried to stop him. He wanted to see me in ways I never understood why. I would pray to God every night to make things go back to how they were. Then God sent me David. David protected me. He made me better. He taught me that I could stand up to Step-Dad #2. I loved him. More than words could explain. He was always there for me. David and Leighn were the only people I had. StepDad#2 told me if I told Mom that he would say I was lying and I would get sent off. David and Leighn talked me into telling someone. Asking for help. I was in the 7th grade. I told my teacher. She promised not to tell anyone. DHR came and told Stepdad#2 that he was in trouble. Then everyone knew. Everyone stared at us when we went out. Everyone whispered. I felt like a criminal. I was so lost and confused. David helped me. We made a plan to run far away together. He told me he would take me somewhere that nobody knew of. Then on October 7th David passed away. The only thing other than Leighn that I had strength to believe in and love an hold onto was gone. I hated God. I have not believed in him since that night. Then a month after David died we moved. Away from everything I knew. The time I needed comfort the most. Stepdad#2 ran away from us. Mom met boyfriend#1 and we hated one another. Then after 3 years of being put down and pushed around Mom met Jay. Jay changed everything. He actually cared for us. All 4 of us. He listened to me. He talked to me when I needed to get things off my chest. He never once has said anything with intent to hurt me. Mom and I grew strong. She was all I had after all we went through. I appreciate her more and more with each passing day. I admire her. She has given me everything I could have ever dreamed of (except a Lamborghini) and I love her more than life. I am broken. I have seen hurt. I have been hurt. I fell in love. Once. His name was Terrance. He loved me and made me feel special. Then he started using drugs. It hurt us. He beat me up a few times. I refused to give him my virginity. (Stepdad#2 was on a load of medications and he drugged me numerous times. So I'm still not sure whether I have it or not. I never gave it up though and to me that's all that matters..) I want to be sure when I take that step. Anyways. He broke my heart. Slept with almost all of the friends I thought I had made. And up until 2months ago I was STILL pathetically in love with him.
Which brings me to who I am. I am a nervous kid who suffers from paranoia and low (almost no) self-esteem. I love Mountain Dew,Gir,my betta fish Sir Francis Alexander Augustan,and life. I am happy. I am ready. I am anxious!! I look forward to graduating because it means another chapter in my book.
Which brings me to who I want to be. Honestly this is so super cheesy. I want to be full. I want to graduate. Move out and experience life for all it is and all it's cracked up to be. I want to fuck up and fix things. I want to meet an amazing boy. I want to love him. I want to fight with him and make up with him. I want to laugh with him. Eventually I want to marry him and have little children with him. I want to grow old with Leighn. I want to look back on these days and smile just how I smile when I look back to before now. I want to weep some more. Because you never truly know how alive you are until every part of your soul aches. I want to breathe. I want to feel my lungs working and my heart beating. I want to see the most beautiful things and live to tell my children and my grandchildren about the true joys of life. And as morbid as it seems..I want to die. I want to disappear and see what I have been missing during the times that I was living. I want the full ride. No matter what I have been through or what I go through. There is always a hope. There is always that little spark. Fate is waiting to show me the best days of my life. I am ready :)

The joy of Justyn.

I may have forgot to mention my other best friends. See Leighn lives in another city. So I have friends here in this town that I see more often. My two closest friends here are Justyn and Kelcie. Savannah is too but she's moving off to college in a little less than a month. We have somewhat lost touch. She's still always great. I also have JoAnna. She is the true definition of a go getter. What she wants..she gets. I have Derrick. He makes me laugh and stands up for me when people annoy me in theatre. Brett. My sweet Bretticuss. He could kick your ass. I don't care who you are. He could. He's super easygoing though. Micah..I hate him. So much but I will miss him when he goes to college. Wilson. He plays guitar and says really cheesy things. My mom loves him. My bestest buddy. Not friend. Buddy..there's a difference. A buddy is someone who you rarely hang out with outside of a certain atmosphere (this on being school). Anywho. My best buddy is Jess. Totally amazing in everything she does. She loves Harry Potter. Listens to all indie music. And makes jokes that only she and I laugh about. And she always steals other peoples things and puts them down her shirt. And lastly. My 2nd really good buddy is Kasey. She listens to classical music and Pink Floyd. She is super smart and reads really cool books.
So anyways. My two closest friends here. Justyn. Gay as gay can be. Think about The Birdcage. Yeah he's a total flamer. And the funniest person you will never meet. Kelcie. She is the exact opposite of me. We are like chocolate and vanilla. We constantly joke about being lesbians. I'm pretty sure everyone takes us seriously. We don't care. We like loud music and yummy food. We talk about everything and nothing..at the same time. We are both passionate about making people laugh. So we are always good company. I love her.
This year is different however. Everyone is going to college. It will just be Kelcie, Kasey, Derrick and Jess. Of course Leighn. I think I can make it though. I have a ton of people I talk to and chill with. I just don't have as big a spark with them as I do my friends.
Off subject and on kind of a lower note: I am scared. I know right now the weeks drag on and it feels like it's going to take forever. I know how this goes. It will fly by faster than I can breathe in and exhale. I don't want to look back at my senior year of high school and realize that I missed any chances. The main thing I fear though is Graduation. I think I had to go through Hell in high school? Wait until I get in the real world. High school is a sheltered dream. The real Hell is waiting for me outside of those walls. I still consider myself "just a seventeen year old". What happens when I have to grow up? I've been waiting all of my life for this and now that the time has come. Am I actually ready for this?

One Last Year.

Today (of course) was highly uneventful. We went to my Aunt Amandas house warming party. I got my senior pictures back. I wish I was super pretty. That's my goal for the next three weeks. To become gorgeous. Ha.
At dinner Mom gave me a speech about how she only has this one last year to teach me. She's afraid I am not going to go to college. Which ...I'm going right? I'm positive I am. I mean. What else is there to do? I could serve food or bag groceries for the rest of my life. That's not saying that there aren't people out there who make themselves successful without furthering their high school education. There are. Those people are brilliant. Which I am not. So yes college is a definite thing for my future. I might not know what I want to major in. I will though. Time answers all questions.
Lastly. I went to visit Parker today. I showed up at his house in full LARP attire. He just laughed at me. He said he was planning to ask if I wanted to battle his team. Which I said I would. It really sucks I have to defeat them. They are all so young. But hey..I learned my life lessons early. It's time I begin to teach.

Way late? Or too early?

Yeah I totally am just getting into bed. I got off work at 11:40 and went movie shopping. I bought "The Crazies" and I have to say it was not what I expected. I loved it. Mainly just because I love zombies. Or..the idea..of zombies. Therefore I was sure to at the least..like it. I woke my sister up when I got home around 12 and she came down and made me bagel bites. Then we burnt the first batch and opened the door to let the smoke out. Seeing as we didn't really want Mom and Jay to be pissed off having to get up at 12am to get the smoke alarm to shut up. Luckily that didn't happen. Unluckily the biggest spider I have ever seen in real life came in and chilled out right in front of the stairs for a while. I sprayed him with spider spray. You know. I feel kind of sad for him. I mean. What did he do to me? Just scared me a little. Does that mean I had to murder him? I watched him writhe in pain until I could no longer take it and then I squished him with a book. Then my sister asked "Are you seriously crying?". To which I responded "I just. Was wondering. If maybe it was a Mommy spider." Then we ate bagels!!
Work was boring btw. No fights. Just gay stuff as usual. I wore awesome socks though. Andy brought me Mountain Dew for helping him answer a riddle and win five bucks. Which I don't think I have mentioned to you guys how insanely addicted to Mountain Dew I am. It is nearly impossible for me to go an entire 3 hours without one. There is absolutely NO exageration in that last sentence. Anyhow. He told me this guy Parker is planning a huge LARP. Um. Wtf? I am the only person in my city allowed to plan LARPs. So I am going to visit Parker tomorrow. And remind him why. Now..where did I put my sword?

Trying times of a teen with a schedule.

I missed my appointment. I flipped shit when I woke up and realized I was 3 hours late. Stupid Pokemon alarm. I called and now have one Monday morning at 11am. I'm really glad Mom wasn't pissed.
In other news. I made my 13 year old sister watch Star Wars today. Which didn't go all that well. The 6 year old loved it though. I also found out that on May 6th Thor is being released!!! He is my favorite superhero OF ALL TIME!! The guy playing Thor (Chris Something) looks amazing. My only concern is that Hopkins is playing Odin. Now don't get me wrong. Hopkins=GREAT actor. Gandalf? Yeah sure I get that. Wise old wizard. Very schnae. But to be the darkest villian of all time? The Father to all evil and the God to every warrior born? I'm concerned.
Speaking of being concerned. Today I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I'm a virgin. So..
Also. I have work tomorrow. Stephanie and Melody had it out last time I was at work and I am closing with both of them tomorrow night. You guys might actually get something worth reading. Talking about work makes me want onion rings sooo bad. I must have some for break tomorrow. Ooh. And chicken. With honey mustard.
Mom told me today that Leighn and I better get all of our indulgence of fast food out before next summer because when we have our place we will need to save up to pay bills. My response: "Oh we won't have bills. We'll be famous." Hahaha. She actually just laughed and said whatever. I finally got that countdown app too. Only 313 days until I graduate!! Woo Hoo that's...still. A. Long. Time.
But I shall view my glass as half full by leaving you with these words: It will be over before I know it :)

Woot.

Congratulations to myself. I got my very first follower today (thanks Adam).
Today has been a real run around. My Mom made my doctors appointment for 9am. Geeze. I am going to hate having to get up early when school starts back. I'M SOOO EXCITED THOUGH!! I watched Drumline today and cried my eyes out when they graduated. I'm starting to ponder the thought that maybe Mom is right about me needing medication. Guess we will have to wait and see what the doctor says.
Second major event of the day: I bought Sir Francis a new plant for his bowl today. He absolutely loves it. He swam through the leaves and played in it for a real long time. I love feeding him. He gets super excited and dances in the water. Leighn says "You need to feed that poor baby more" but he eats like 7 times a day. He's fat. For a fish. But do I care? Hell naww. He is my bub and I love him just the way he is.
Third. I went to Freecreditscore.com and voted for The Poets Dance today. I like them and The Victorious Secrets. Evolove would be okay if they weren't trying to be No Doubt. And the band I Love Monsters. Who says that? Obviously they have never seen a real monster. They would NOT love it. So anyways..go vote.
I also saw the trailor for "The Other Guys" today. Will Farrell is one of the funniest guys alive. I will be seeing that. Along with Zach Galifianakias' new movie with Steve Ca(however you spell it) and Despicable Me.
Well I'm guessing that's it. More tomorrow after the doctors. Peace out homies.

Dirty Dishes and A Drug Test

So Mom woke me up this morning at 5:42am to ask if I was smoking pot. Her reason being that I left a plate in the sink when I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to load it into the dishwasher. So she flipped her lid and bought a drug test. I passed..of course. We then had a 20 minute conversation about my irregular period and my emotional unstability. Hmm. I am now scheduled a doctors appointment this Friday because Mom wants me to get some medications to help level out my emotions. So that was fun fun fun. Anyhow. Next subject.
In other news I took a picture on my phone today. I had a wig on and my dress was really light and the sunshine hit the lace just right and created a total ghostgirl look. Probably my new favorite picture. Speaking of ghosts. I was watching Ghost Hunters last night and I decided to browse the web for equipment to start my own paranormal investigations and I'm almost 97% positive I accidentally ordered a $247 emf detector. So I'm really hoping that with this whole drug thing Mom has in her head that I am just thinking it happened and it really didn't.
Eh well. I suppose it's time for me to hit the sheets. Ever heard that song Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil? Yeah well I totally just imagined my ghostgirl self falling into a bed of flaming egyptian cotton sheets. Beautiful. So. That's all for tonight..talk to whoever..tomorrow.

My First Post

Okay. Well honestly I don't know what to do here. I guess I could think of a whole web of little lies and cool sayings. The truth is..I'm totally average. Too average.
I'm seventeen years young and finally a senior in high school. I start back in exactly 4 weeks. I don't think it is possible for me to be any more excited without causing spontaneous combustion. I have a best friend. Her name is Leighn. It's pronounced exactly like "lane" for those who might struggle with that. I love her to death. She is the Sam to my Frodo. My pet betta (Sir Francis Alexander Augustan) is my own personal Jesus. I tell him everything. I'm pretty sure he was made just for me. He's the bomb.
My family life is average too. My Mom is a model slash computer technician slash nurse slash counselor slash caregiver slash superhero. Her boyfriend is totally a froggy. He's awesome. I have two younger sisters and two dogs. My Mom is Elizabeth and my step-dad is Jay. My sisters are Dawn (13) and Marie(6). My Dad is Leigh. He is pretty amazing. He is super funny and really smart. I see him about 3 times a year but we talk almost every day. I love him.
As far as anything else goes. Well maybe just read and find out. Something is bound to happen sometime.