Death of a Salesman.

Hello once again. Thought I would drop in for a monthly update. It's been an okay month. Momma has been letting me get out and explore Auburn a lot more. I've actually made a total of 4 friends up there. Haha. I don't plan on moving alone. I have 4 people from my High School that are considering taking the leap with me. I really have to find a new job to save up for my house. I get it in May. May 3rd to be exact. I made a new close friend. Don't want to jinx anything but I will say that he is a very amazing human being and I really like him. I'm going to see him in Auburn next Friday hopefully.

I'm not one to really get overexcited but, I can hardly wait for college. I'm scared shitless don't get me wrong. I just can't wait to get out and experience the freedom I have been kept from the past 18 years of my life. Speaking of which I did turn 18 on January 8th. Got a tattoo. It means "Life goes on" in Finnish. Its across my heart and everytime something bad happens I look at it and remind myself that no matter what, I can still make it through.

Leighn and I are still not really talking. We have seen each other twice in the past month. We're doing fine. We both just know that after everything that happened between us, things can never be the same. We are both very smart and I believe in both of us.

Finally, the star of it all Sir Francis Alexander Augustan III. He is staring at my can of Peace Tea right now. He is not enjoying his new fish friend Bib. Bib is a black moor and he is the cutest lil fishy I ever did see. Alex is however, enjoying the shit out of his new heat lamp. He stays by it all the time :)

All in all, Alex and I are doing just fine. We're still a little mixed up. We've slipped a little into the world we like to call "Messed Up" but were making it. I got the lead role in the school play. I have a 3.9 GPA as we speak and only 3 months and 23 days until Graduation :))))))

Peace be with you!!
-Ashleigh

Blub Blub!!
-Alex and Bib

My Last Post

Hello again. I have been gone for a matter of months now and I feel like it would be rude to leave without a proper goodbye. I should start by telling you a few things. Leighn and I have mutually decided to go our seperate ways. I want you to know that I love her and she loves me. We will never lose the bond of friendship we have. Sometimes life hands you things that are completely and utterly spontaneous. I have learned in the course of these past months that as humans, trying to plan our lives breath by breath, is just as horrid as trying to escape the inevitable. Whoever pulls the strings in this grand operation has every intention of forcing you to see just what you are truly made up of. The two of us are adjusting to "rolling with the punches" on our own.

I am moving to Auburn in July of 2011. I got accepted into college and I plan on getting the best education possible. I don't want to post a bunch of bullshit. If you have read any of this..you know me better. I am not okay. I am scared to death. Every single trip to Auburn my heart stays lodged inside my throat. I am going to live alone. I know exactly one person in the entire city and to top it off..I won't have Leighn. I do however know, that I will make it. All the decisions I have made in the past have made this opportunity rise afront me. I am ready.

Sir Francis Alexander Augustan is doing quite dandy. He has a 300 dollar Christmas present waiting for him as we speak. I have decided to buy a whole mess of fishy friends for him. He will be happy. I feel it in my bones. I still love Alex the same. I always will. I turn eighteen in 13 days!!! Mom is paying for my tattoo. I am getting a quote that is very significant to my mind. I will leave you with it. I hope you take these words and live by them. They are the answer to all mortal life and blah blah blah..

"Things change. And Life, goes on."
"Asiat muutuvatt ,ja elama jatkut."

Love the life you've been given guys.
Keep peaceful and let your soul shine..

Yours Truly,
Ashleigh Desiree'

.....uh..well?

Woke up. Played pirates with tupperware. Hid in the toolbox. Went to sleep.
Woke back up. Went to work. Skated all night in an empty lot. Found a penny.
Came home. Played Zelda. Talked to Alex. Going to sleep with Mountain Dew.

Best.

Day.

EVER.

I'm just gonna go to college.

It's not that big of a deal. I mean shit. I can go and take my basics at SUCC and then go get all my other stuff from AU. I don't have to be with Leighn. I love her and all but, she isn't going to college and I can't let her hold me back from an education. Ugh. Gonna talk to the director tomorrow. Eew.

Night everyone :)

Honestly?

No but seriously. What if I wanted to move to LA? What if I just wake up and decide to move there. All alone with no sense of where I'm going? Why can't I be spontaneous? If I wanna get in a plane and go to fucking New York right now? I'll go dammit. I'll go.

Found.

Hello there again. Sorry about the short absence. I honestly needed to learn how to breathe. I have a tendacy to let my emotions accumulate to massive amounts. Eventually I have such a colossal weight on my shoulders that I just break down. This is one of the many things I will be working on. I wish I could learn to just let things go and be a social zombie. However,I am human and trying to be perfect would only result in a more complicated situation than my current one. I am still confused. I just realize now that there will be things I won't understand until I am older. I also understand that trying to avoid these things is just avoiding the inevitable.
I have spent the past few weeks with Leighn. She and I are both scared. We have talked everything through. We have discussed every single priority. I know that this is scary, but everyone has to start somewhere. I realize that this year is just the start of the rest of my life. I have been so blessed to have such an amazing mother and grandmother. They are always there for me and I know that no matter how far away I am that I can always rely on their love and support. I am ready for this world. I am ready to try. Ready to mess up. I'm ready to live.

As for the smaller details.Sir Francis Alexander Augustan III is doing quite well. I am getting a brand new fishtank in December. I am also getting two Black Moors. Alex swam with them while he was at the fish doctor. I asked the lady about them and she said they were up for adoption. For 5 dollars each I adopted them and am waiting until next Thursday to go pick them up. I am naming one Matthew Knight Star the Fifth and the other one Puck :)

No Subject

This may be the last time I write for a good while. Everything in my life is spiraling out of control and I am losing my sanity with each passing day. I don't know who I am or even what I am doing. I'm a stranger to who I was and I am scared of what I will become. Until I figure myself out,I think it is best that I keep to myself. I'm sorry. Really there is only one person who reads this and I want him to know that I honestly respect you. I learn by reading about you. Please don't think that you haven't helped change me because you have.

I just need some time. I need space to breathe and settle into my skin. I need to find out who I am. Where I am. What I'm doing here. Who I need. What I need. I just need time.

I'll be back soon. May the fates be in your favor Zombie.